the princess talks...

Well, I'm here in SD... it didn't really sink in that I was actually going to have to leave until about 10 minutes before I left and I was a mess. I'm not a huge fan of missing people or going away or anything like that, but I had no choice so here I am. I am not having a horrible time as of yet, I'm just a bit bored. I've been assured that the boredom will go away over time. Thus far I have learned that I am capable of making my bed and having a clean room for 3 days in a row, high schoolers are not scary, you should go to bed when you're tired, I should have written down all the choral warmups I've ever done, football is hard to play in a small school, it's hard to make freshmen boys sing, and basses are of utmost importance to a choir. I'm just not so sure I'm ever going to be assigned to a high school. It doesn't really help that I haven't taught anything yet, so I guess I shouldn't jump to conclusions, but I think I like the little kids better. It will be interesting to have my advisor come -- I'm curious as to what he's going to say about me. But at the moment, all is quiet -- no major complaints. I have my own office, complete with bathroom, and my closet at my host family is huge. Closet space is very cool to me... that makes me happy.

So you'd think with the lack of things to do in general I would post more often, but I think it's the lack of activity that has caused the stoppage in the posting. The most recent excitement has not been good excitement. However, it has taught me many things. First off, even if you go through 22 years of life thinking your family is pretty darn near perfect, crisis will bring out the flaws. Communication is of the utmost importance in pretty much every situation. Sometimes doctors aren't all as smart as they think they are. Cell phones are amazing inventions. You should always remember to call the people who matter to you even when you don't need to.

My dad bought me a new car this summer... I don't think I've mentioned that yet. It's a 2002 Toyota Camry. I love it. It's beautiful. But my beautiful car has caused me more problems than my cute little Saturn ever did. Not major problems, just stupid annoying ones. The cruise didn't work... the little lever doesn't open the door to the gas tank, and now the speaker doesn't feel like working and the keys are being weird. It wouldn't be a big deal, but the obviously the dealership my dad got it from is in CO and the nearest Toyota dealership around here is in Mankato which is 45 minutes away. I've sat in their waiting room way too many Friday afternoons and it looks like I'll have to make it at least one more. Grr. Don't take a car out of state just after you've bought it. You're asking for trouble.

Classes are so very boring. Today we learned possibly the worst group discussion technique I've ever seen and then we learned about supreme court cases we've already learned about before. It feels as though they've run out of things to teach us. If that is the case, I should be able to graduate with my doctorate. Otherwise, there should be more things to teach me. However, it might possibly be a good thing that the classes are so terrible because it makes me want to leave for student teaching more so I'm not as scared about it. After a few more experiences I've come to the conclusion that it's my confidence, not my skills that need the most work. I'm not denying that my conducting skills need practice, but I think I just really need to learn to be firm. I can be firm. I know I can. I just need to do it all the time. (or at least most of the time) So we'll see about that.

Ok, so I was really bad at posting this summer. I apologize to the one person that might actually read this. It was an interesting summer. The weddings were super fun for the most part. I am very glad that I was able to go to them. I also learned to never ever ever trust guys who have been drinking, even if they say they haven't been drinking, and you've only seen them drink a little bit. They will break your heart. For like the 3rd time or something equally horrible. I must say it felt like I had a piece of me back for a few days, but when I realized the reality of the situation the hole was even bigger. Cuts scar when you keep tearing them open... I think hearts do the same thing.

The last year of college has started. It doesn't feel weird to be back here, but it does feel weird that my friends are gone. I don't think I had really stopped to think about how many people wouldn't be here. It's quite a few. I think we counted a little under 50 people left in my class. It's an odd empty feeling. Classes are going ok... they're pretty boring with the exception of our music major class, but tolerable at the moment. Today our prof asked us to fill out a little comment card because he thought our class didn't seem very involved or enthusiastic. Most of us wrote down that we were bored because we've already been taught the stuff he's trying to teach us. It will be interesting to see what he has to say about that tomorrow. I just can't wait for this semester to be done with. I'm student teaching in South Dakota, which should be a really amazing experience, but when you really think about it, who is going to send me to a high school for my first call, especially when you look at all the other musical talent in my class. If I had been smart, maybe I would have dropped down to 4 year like almost everyone else, but I wanted to tough it out, so here I am. I know I can do it, I have no doubts about that (ok, well maybe a few...) but whatever... it's pointless to really debate as we all know that there's no way I'm going to back out now. I finish things I start... at least the important things.

I think the worst part of the semester thus far is being so bored. I am used to being super busy. I am used to cramming in my homework during Oprah after classes so that I can sew costumes after dinner and go to Children's Theater practice after chapel. I am used to painting sets all weekend and doing my homework during Saturday night movies. I am not used to completing my homework in less than an hour and having nothing else for the rest of the afternoon and evening. I do not work well with not being busy. It makes me depressed.

I had a proud organ moment this week. The guy who makes the schedule emailed me to see if I could fill in for someone on Tuesday. That was less than a week's notice. I know... big deal... but it meant a lot to me. I remember freshman year watching the students who got to play in the first week of school and wondering how in the world they got to do that because they didn't know what the hymns were until they got there. I got to play the first week of school, and now I'm playing the second too. They actually think I'm a competent orgainst. That means something to me, no matter how dorky it sounds.

It's well past teacher bed time... I should be sleeping. We went "swimming" at a hotel tonight... I say "swimming" because I sat on the edge of the hot tub with no more than a foot in it at a time. The thing was 100 degrees! I'm sorry, but I have no desire to be in water that hot. (I know, it's probably not that hot... but it's too hot for me, and I don't like being wet) I was actually just proud of myself for going. It was people in my class, but people I don't know very well. I figured I need to get to know them better since they are who is left. So I did that, and it was fun times. But now I'm just in the mood to sing or play piano or something, but the music center closes in 15 minutes or so, so I can't. So annoying. And my roommate is gone too. I don't like sleeping in dorms by myself. It's scary. Plus I've been having freaky weird dreams and honestly don't want to have another one. But I suppose it is necessary that I get some sleep so that I can be more enthusiastic in class tomorrow... like that will happen...

So I survived graduation, the call service, the first of my friend's weddings, a 13 hour car trip with my grandma, and my brother's graduation. It was a bit emotional, a bit stressful, and I'd just like to go back to school... or at least have my room back. My grandma is in it at the moment, which is fine, but all my stuff is strewn throughout the house, a majority of it located in a large pile in the garage. Getting dressed is an adventure every morning. Outfits must be able to change at a moments notice in case the proper shoes are not able to be unearthed from the pile of junk. (I have come to terms with the fact that I have too much stuff. I have not quite accepted that I need to do something about it yet... give me time.)

Heading back to WI tomorrow... I've only been home for 5 days. I'll be happy to go back. Home is great, but the prospect of being here until August is a bit intimidating at the moment. Thankfully I will be back in WI for a weekend in June and then there's worship conference in July, which I look forward to in great anticipation after a few new friendships formed at the end of this year.

Working in the same place again... it's almost like I never left, especially since I'm working on some of the same filing and spreadsheet projects that I started last summer. Apparently it's not important enough to be done in the winter. It still stinks, but it's a good job, and I'm going to need the money for next summer, which I envision to be a summer of bliss before becoming a real teacher. I fully intend on spending weeks with random family members between weddings, and probably only coming home for my graduation party. Although, come to think of it, I'm going to have to have a graduation party on a Wednesday or something, as every weekend is full of weddingness... maybe I can do a quick flight or something. I guess I have a bit of time to figure that out.

Well, I suppose I should email a few people and then head off to bed... it's going to be a long day tomorrow with the flying and such.

Who would have thought that a guy with such a dorky name would be so amazing. Singers concert Saturday night. Got to hear another Lauridsen piece. Amazing. I will say that his pieces definately sound the same (or at least the ones I've heard...) but when something sounds so good, is that a bad thing? The concert left me speechless as usual. It was in a high school auditorium, brand new, way better than ours, complete with orchestra pit. I wish I had been able to get into the light booth. Awesome auditorium aside, I must say that Singers concerts always leave me in the most interesting of moods... vulnerable is probably the best way to describe it. It's weird... anyways, I'm very excited to see where I'm student teaching next year to see if I can come to their first concert. I hope so - they're doing all Norwegian songs, which really interests me.

So it's the last week of school. I'm currently in my fourth of six finals. Yes, I'm typing in my final. We're just presenting our final compositions. I don't want to share mine. It's bad. Harmonic composing I can somewhat deal with... this counterpoint stuff, not so much. Or maybe it's just that I don't want to. Silly senior slide.

Graduation is on Saturday. My friends will be gone. I'm very thankful that I don't have to deal with that at the moment, but at the same time, it's going to be weird next year, especially with all the pastor track boys gone. I don't think that's really going to sink in until I try and eat next year and find I have about six people to eat with. I'm also starting to get nervous for my friends. They could be going anywhere in a few weeks. I hear there's a call to Alaska. I don't want my friends to go to Alaska. Not that Alaska is a bad place, and it does need the gospel, but I want my friends to be in a place where I can drive to and visit next spring break. But the year has to end eventually, and seeing as how I packed up nearly everything yesterday, I must be pretty ready for it to end... home sounds good.

So it's been how long since I posted? I don't even want to look... it's been way too long. Does that mean I'm paying closer attention in class and not posting while my teacher is talking? Of course not. I simply had more important things to do in class. But now Children's Theater is all said and done, and I can breathe again.

I must say Children's Theater was amazing. Some of my worst fears became reality (my queen was sick for a performance, and the fire alarm went off) but due to a great cast, excellent ushers, and some other wonderful people, everything went just fine. One of our makeup girls went on stage, we got 800+ kids out of the auditorium in record time, and we made lots of money. I was very proud of every single person involved. It was a very wonderful experience, and I have so many wonderful memories from it. Ok... so now what do I do? Back to my lack of life and weird happenings with boys. But it sure is nice to be able to sleep.

Random comments of the past few weeks... scary things do happen, but it all works out. Some people are astonishingly amazing, and I would be super lost without them. Eventually, people do come back from student teaching. Next year, I will have very few friends. Thus I need to start meeting some new people. This summer is going to be expensive - it is my goal to attempt to earn back everything I'm going to have to spend. Lutheran Worship is an amazing class. I was born for Chorale. We all go back to our comfort zones at some point, no matter how weird they might be. It is possible to have the exact same conversation numerous times over seven years and still accomplish nothing. I can teach, and I will be good. Next summer I will need to live in the midwest. Some classes are simply pointless. I am easily infatuated. I need to be tougher with "my" choir. Seconds may be sloppy to some, but it was a sign of progress for me. There are still loose ends for me to tie up and clean. Choir sectionals anyone? I have started my senior slide a whole year early. It might be a struggle to pass next year. Worship Conference will be fun - I get to sing Rutter's Gloria!! I can always use more sleep.

That's all the randomness for the moment... now to find something else to do during class...

Goodness... it seems like I just got back from Spring Break, and already we're leaving in a week for home. It's crazy, but I need it. It's probably going to be another homework filled break, but what can I do. I honestly wasn't sure that I'd make it to today with everything done, but for the most part I have. I had my big presentation today. There were stupid jokes to be made, lots of fast talking, and a few very made up answers, but I got through it, and my prof didn't seem horribly upset at the end result. Now to write the paper. Yikes. As long as my programs get to the print shop by Friday, all will be ok. Friday night will be another night of homework, and Saturday a day of Children's Theater followed by a concert. It's gonna be crazy...

So I'm back at school. All of my friends are engaged. The funny part is that I'm not really exaggerating all that much - nearly all of them are engaged. So now we talk about flowers and bridesmaid dresses and reception halls all the time... oh well.

Didn't have the best start to my day today... didn't go to first hour (why? good question...) Then second hour I forgot that my assignment needed to be typed. And I have to buy a table saw. (well, by I, I really mean children's theater, and by have to, I mean that it makes for less trouble if I do... ) The crazy start to my morning has left be flustered, and I didn't have time for lunch. I need some chai.

So many things to do, so little time. Target does not have long sleeved solid color t-shirts. I need some. I also need one more pair of fuzzy white slippers in a medium. Too much shopping to be done this weekend, need more time to do homework. The green room is not a place to dump random junk. My room is a horrible disaster, and I so wish I had time to clean it. When has that happened before? I think I'm going to get everything done, but I'm also terrified that I'm forgetting something huge. I fear messing up on the ticket reservations and having a school show up that we have no room for. I fear missing a big assignment and failing a class. Or getting way sick right before production. Or having a fire drill in the middle of a performance. It'll be ok... I just need some sleep.

Week one of vacation is almost done. I feel like I've been home forever, yet if you look at what I've done, you'd probably say I've been home for 2 days tops. I've done pleanty of things to avoid the homework... washed and cleaned out the car, gone grocery shopping, got my hair cut, emailed everyone I know, chatted with some of my student teaching kids on-line... oh yeah... I have actually taken 23 pages of notes (don't be too impressed.. that's 23 pages of outlined typing...) and I have tons of ideas for appendices (appendixes?) and such for the paper... but is there time to do all that? Well, yes, there is time... but will I actually use the time that I do have to get it finished. Currently I am proving my point - watching Clean Sweep and posting instead of finishing up my last book. I tell myself I have all next week... but there are so many other things to do too. My goodness... since when did I become such a procastanator? (not spelled right... I know) Oh yeah... since grade school when i stayed up until 3 to finish the science fair project that I had known about for well over a month. Gotta work on that. Maybe if I actually cared more.

Ok... I'm done - I'm actually going to get to work.

Oh, and Aaron - thanks for the post. It's nice to know someone reads my randomness besides the stupid spammer stuff. If I do get bored, I'll try to remember to send some cookies your way!

What to do with two free weeks at home? About a month ago, I was annoyed with my friends for not wanting to come home with me... but now I'm thankful. If I had someone to entertain as well as do all the other stuff that needs to be accomplished, someone would suffer. As it is, my spring break is going to suffer from a lack of fun, excitment, and all those other things that are supposed to go along with spring break, especially seeing as this is my first year free of EFE requirements. At this point, I'd much rather be teaching. I have a 20 page paper to write (don't even ask, unless you have a long time to listen to me complain), a 50 minute presentation (goes along with the 20 page paper - don't ask unless you have even more time), costumes to sew, not to mention the other homework. Grr.

Ok, that's enough complaining. Today was a fun day. I went shopping with my mom, who was apparently feeling extremely generous. The day would have been great either way, but that made it much better. This however brings me back to the problem of the size of my closet. Something seriously needs to be done about that. Doubtful that I'll have time to deal with that when I get back, but I'll try.

I'd better get back to the homework. If you see me online, say hi to me!!

This marks the first official week of Children's Theater practices... the first official week of having to get things accomplished... the first official week of me being really crabby and trying so very very hard not to take it out on people that I love. I've made it to the halfway point of the week - it's going to be ok.

Random thoughts: I am well aware of the fact that the male gender makes no sense, is a waste of my time at the moment, and should have no control of me. However, actually applying all that knowledge is beyond my ability at the moment. I read too much into things. Some of my profs really need help - or at least need to learn how to focus slides. It's hard listening to someone preach and knowing full well that they really need to take the words to heart. I'm starting to feel very old on campus, and it's only going to get worse. My show is going to be spectacular. We've already sold 1000+ tickets. I think I'm emotionally dependant on choir. Spring Break can't come soon enough. I have way too much to do over spring break - will I do any of it?? I'm writing this in class - I cannot see a way that counterpoint will ever be useful to me - if I did, I would pay attention.

Class is over - choir time! I'll feel better after that.

Super fun day today - Saturday's as they ought to be. It started with sleeping until 9:30. That seems to be about as late as I can sleep these days if I haven't stayed up super late. Then I got to see my student teaching girls play basketball. That was super awesome as I hadn't seen the girls since I left in December. I got attacked at halftime and then again at the end of the game. It was so fun to see them. I also got to bring one of my friends from school along - it was nice to have someone to share it with. Then three friends and I headed up to the cities for an afternoon/evening of good food and shopping. We stopped at Olive Garden for their unlimited soup/salad/breadsticks. Such a deal! Then to a super huge Kohl's, Southdale mall, Old Navy, and finally Culver's. I spent quite a bit of money - but the sales were so awesome! They were all teacher clothes, and of course I'm not teaching at the moment, but I'm sure they'll be useful. Now the problem is the smallness of my closet. But oh well... it was worth it.

So I sit down at dinner in the cafeteria, only to hear my name coming from a table right next to ours. This made me a little curious, especially since I wasn't very close with the girls at the table. Upon further investigation (yes, I was eavesdropping...) I discovered they feel I am not capable of being Children's Theater producer and that another person they had talked to agreed. I attempted to stare them down, hoping that they'd at least realize that the person they were talking about could hear them, but they didn't notice. Now I'm upset. It's not that they think that I can't produce that bugs me, because I know that I can. But just the thought of people thinking I'm incapable of something or that people are putting me down really makes me annoyed. I'm just as guilty about talking about other people as the next person - but seriously - when you don't even know me, what's the point? I guess I'm just a people pleaser - and I know that - and the thought that there are people out there that are not pleased with me drives me crazy, especially when they haven't even taken the chance to get to know me. Reminds me of 8th grade all over again.

Cross week one off the list of things to survive. Add about a million other things on the list of things to do. There is a reason that the school puts a limit on the number of credits you can take in a semester... and there's a reason I've found a few loopholes in that rule - I'm nuts. At the moment I feel slightly overwhelmed. But I'm sure that in about a week overwhelmed will be the norm and I'll be just fine with it. It's as if I feel useless if I'm not surrounded by things I need to do. It will all get done, and I'll feel a huge sense of accomplishment, and then summer will come.

Got to see my kids play basketball today (or at least my boys). It was so fun to be with them again. There's nothing like hanging out with grade school boys for the afternoon - and I really mean that. They played so hard in their games. I was super proud. And my supervisor was worried about me bonding with the kids... ha.

Yep yep, as soon as I get settled in, it's back to crazy freezing MN. It was 60 here today - I'm too scared to look at weather.com to see what it's like in MN. But oh well - at least this time it's back to the real life of classes and fun weekends and the like. I'm really looking forward to real classes - I feel like I have so much left to learn. And I still have some major thinking to do - as in do I really want to be a teacher? Who knows. Comments as to this subject would be appreciated.

I guess it's been a pretty good break. I always feel like I spend too much time at church - don't get me wrong - I love church, but when you're there from 2-9 pm on Christmas Eve and then right back again at 9 am the next day, that's overkill. It's also what you get when you can sing and play the organ (or at least the people in charge think you can - after the Christmas disaster, I am seriously doubting my organing abilities).

Yeah... so I should pack. And email some friends.

Oh - the one person who reads this will be interested in some of the things I got for christmas - an HP PhotoSmart 7660 printer (aren't you proud of me for knowing the model?), a UPS, and TrillianPro. Exciting, isn't it?